Dear Parent of a Gay ChildShari Bender
I’ve been feeling it for a little while.
It became even more apparent when my youngest son began to drive last year. My job as a full-time mom was slowly disappearing. And now that he’s a senior and the college search is over, I feel we are just running out the clock until he leaves.
Since I’m no longer yelling “Go do your homework” (at least nowhere near as often) or acting as the resident Uber driver, I have more free time than I’ve had in close to three decades. And I’ve discovered something: I don’t have a lot of hobbies. For all the years I’ve been a mom, my main hobby has been my kids. Raising, nurturing, annoying and torturing them (those last two were from their perspective).
Now that I have that extra free time, I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to fill it. I exercise most days but there’s a limit to how much I can do because (A) I don’t love it and (B) I have back and hip issues. Training for a marathon or triathlon is definitely out. I started doing yoga recently which I do enjoy immensely; however, I’m unlikely to become a yogi anytime soon.
It took some time to adjust to becoming parents and I know it will take a bit of time to get used to this new normal. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the rest of my life won’t be either.
So I’ve decided I need to broaden my horizons a little more. I have my job as a freelance writer but writing and editing is a solitary endeavor. As such, I’m looking for things that are more social and can get me out of the house.
I turned to people on Facebook who are already empty nesters (and presumably pros at this hobby thing) to find out how they spend their free time; fun things they do to fill in the spaces. And I got a lot of really good answers. Here are a few of them:
One woman wrote “Hanging out with my kids” and then she added, “I’m guessing that’s not what you’re looking for!” But I understood exactly what she meant. Although my older sons work full time and no longer live at home, they are not too far away which means we can meet for brunch on the weekends or dinner. They are actually a delight to be with these days and I enjoy their company more than I ever have. Having grown children is the icing on the parenting cake.
Many people wrote that they do more things with friends. For years, friendships needed to be worked around carpools, doctor and dental appointments, sports, music lessons, etc. Once the kids become independent and leave, old friendships can be renewed in earnest and new friendships can flourish.
I’ve started to see this already. Where I regularly had to jump up from a coffee date to meet my children’s bus or cut a phone conversation short to supervise homework or referee a fight, now I can linger while hanging out with my friends. And I’ve discovered I’m really good at lingering.
People also mentioned the opportunity to spend more time with their significant others. Seemingly forever, my husband and I had to tag team on the weekends and evenings to get our sons to their activities while passing each other in the driveway. Now we can rediscover each other as people, not just parents, and that’s kind of nice.
It took some time to adjust to becoming parents and I know it will take a bit of time to get used to this new normal. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the rest of my life won’t be either. I admit that entering this next phase is a little scary, but I’m also excited to see where life takes me.
I hope to report back from the other side with tales of new undertakings and adventures, so stay tuned.
I’m confident the best is still yet to be.