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"Mom, Dad, I Don't Want to Go Back"Deborah Porter
My son’s university is 30 minutes away. He could easily commute from home but from the get-go made it clear he wanted to live on campus his first year. His dad and I supported this choice (even though I’m pretty sure it was mostly about the “all-you-can-eat” dining hall options). And now it’s happening — Fall 2020 is here!
Although campus life will look very different this year, freshmen will face all the usual challenges as they navigate their new independence and responsibilities. Here’s how you can help!
This is a tried and true tip. The more you and your student set clear expectations, the easier time they’ll have when they need to make decisions on their own.
Do you expect them to call or text regularly? You may ask that they check in at a certain day or time of the week. You may also ask them to let you know immediately if they are sick.
Do you expect them to let you know if they have a problem that they cannot manage? You may ask them to share what they’re doing to deal with challenges, or request that they ask you for help when they’re unsure what they should do next.
One discussion I’ve had with my own son is the “Don’t be afraid to tell me you are failing” conversation. This included subtopics like “How can you tell if you are failing?” and “What resources are available if you struggle in class?” As an educator, I know that he’ll have at least one challenging course this year, and I want the lines of communication wide open when it happens. He knows there will be no judgment, no shame, just support and advice (if he wants it).
Campus resources range from academic services, like tutoring, to health services, such as screenings and counseling. Grab that brochure, watch that informational video, and scour the website to learn more about what’s available. Then talk about these resources with your student as though they’re a normal and necessary part of every college student’s existence (because they are).
Here are a few ways to do this:
This suggestion has never been easy for some of us, and may be even harder knowing that there’s a lot at stake in how we manage our habits, behaviors and choices during this pandemic.
Stepping back doesn’t mean stepping out of the picture entirely. It means watching, waiting and encouraging your student to handle issues themselves first.
This is especially true when it comes to your student’s courses. A call to the department chair or email to the professor will not go over well — and possibly run afoul of the Family Education Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA). I’ve talked with students who were mortified that a parent had called me to ask about their grades. This tactic can undermine the progress your student is making in learning how to advocate for themselves.
Instead, coach your student on what to say and when to say it. As hard as it may seem, it’s better for them in the long run if they stumble a bit and pick themselves back up. Notice I didn’t say that it may be better for them to fall off a cliff. Of course, when extreme situations call for it, stepping in to help is appropriate.
As I write this shortly before students return to campus, I realize that things can still change. My son may have to commute after all. He may have to wait another year to get the “real” college experience. Adjusting my expectations and remaining flexible is really the only way to get through this...but I really am hoping I don’t have to turn my kitchen into an all-you-can-eat buffet.
College move-in is approaching! Help your student prepare by making sure they have everything they need for a successful freshman year.