We Became Friends Because of Our Daughters
Amy Baldwin, Ed.D.
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Words that I used repeatedly to “admonish” my eldest child when she was younger. How I wish I could take them back. How I wish I never uttered any one of them. How I wish I never felt the need to say such words. How I wish I never felt the need to make her feel anything but whole. How I wish…
Last week during her final recital at the New England Conservatory of Music, she gave me accolades, lots of them. The audience gave me a special ovation and my heart was happy, but I didn’t miss it. While she praised me for supporting her music career from the jump, she didn’t mention my name when it came to her gender, her transition, and her true self.
As I sit and write this, my heart is heavy and sad. It is filled with tears unshed, words unspoken, hugs ungiven, love unshared. I am filled with emotions. Why did I not affirm her when she was younger? Why was my heart closed to seeing her the way she really was? Why did I allow fear to reign and rain on me?
It has been 2 years since my eldest child who was assigned male at birth shared about her non-binary gender and they/them pronouns, and 5 months since she shared about her transgender identity and she/her pronouns. And 2 weeks since she shared her new name with me.
Even though I am relieved because it is all now out in the open, I am still sad, and in mourning. I am scared stiff about the unknown. She has begun transitioning, taking her Estrogen pills and Testosterone blockers. She is “finally free” to be her real self as she said in her closing speech. I can never imagine what that must feel like.
I cannot even begin to envision what it means to finally live free! She said the other day on the phone that our home was very transphobic when she was a child. I wish I had never played a role in that. But I did. And that is why with tears rolling down my cheeks, I implore you to read these words with an open heart.
You are a vessel to bring your child into this earth. You are their first love, and they are an extension of your heart. Loving them is a must. Understanding that they are individuals is a must. Allowing them to become who they are is a must.
Be careful not to think or plan too far ahead. Enjoy their here and now. Rethink the thoughts you allow in your head, the words you say out of your mouth, and the way you act and treat them in your home.
Several days ago, I sent her a text message where I told her just how proud I am of her and her insistence on living her truth regardless of what anyone else thought.
I ended the text with “I just want you to know that I have always wanted a daughter”, to which she replied “You have always had a daughter”.
By Dr. Lulu
Your daughter’s smile in this picture is everything!
