“How does your student like college?”

“How does your student like college?”

When I am out and about in town I often overhear people whose kids have recently started college greet each other with, “How does [your child’s name here] like school?” The response generally is, “She LOVES it!”

Now, I understand one might not be inclined to go into personal details while standing on line at the deli counter or cashing a check at the bank. However, I also know there is a strong chance her child does not actually love college and, in fact, may even be unhappy.

After the lengthy and exhausting application process, emotionally wrought acceptance period, Bed Bath & Beyond excursions, and tearful dorm room drop off, it can be difficult to acknowledge — to the world and to yourself — that your student is not ecstatic at college. But if that happens to be the case, you are not alone. I don’t know the statistics but get the sense that there are more unhappy kids, at least at the start of college, than ones who are completely delighted.

It’s normal for kids to think they might have been happier somewhere else, especially in this era of Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook where everyone looks as if they are having a better time at their school than you are at yours.

Neither of my two older sons was particularly pleased with his college in the beginning and their dissatisfaction lasted for quite some time. There can be many factors that affect how a first-year student feels about his or her school. Despite the fact that your students may have seemed as if they could not wait to leave the nest, I guarantee they miss you, their siblings, their high school friends, the pets, their old bedrooms, and home cooked food (not necessarily in that order). In addition to homesickness, there may be adjustments to living in a dorm, roommate issues, disappointment with classes, etc.

The questions are: How much unhappiness is typical and what, if anything, should you do about it?

For both my older sons, it took a few semesters for them to find their footing. My oldest, who went to college in the Midwest, complained a great deal initially, but then joined a fraternity where he made wonderful friends, changed majors (several times), and ended up loving the university from which he had previously considered transferring. In fact, after he graduated, I was amused at how often he went back to visit, largely because of the fact that his girlfriend was still a student there, but also because he missed his alma mater.

It’s normal for kids to think that they might have been happier somewhere else, especially in this era of Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook where everyone looks as if they are having a better time at their school than you are at yours. Don’t be alarmed if you hear your student say, “I kinda wish I’d gone to…” (their second choice, their boyfriend’s school, the local state university, etc.). It is important to listen and allow them to vent their feelings but in all likelihood, they will ultimately fall in love, or at least serious like, with the school they chose.

In a minority of cases, the school really is a bad fit for a kid and no amount of time will fix that. My middle son’s good friend from high school was unhappy at his college and, despite the friends he made and his best efforts to acclimate, he knew it was not going to get better. He transferred halfway through sophomore year and is much happier. In fact, he wishes he had done it a semester earlier.

I suggest that, if your child seems that miserable, he start the transfer process. It can be easier to get into many colleges as a transfer student than as a high school senior. If your student changes his mind, he is not bound to switch schools; however it keeps the option open. A friend’s daughter went through the transfer process and was accepted at several schools but in the end decided to remain where she was. In her case, she just needed more time to adjust to her new environment.

Keep in mind also that mental health issues can manifest during the college years.

If your student seems more than a little unhappy or adrift, you might suggest he seek professional help, starting with campus counseling services. My oldest son’s freshman roommate routinely slept through his classes and had trouble sticking to a schedule. When I asked my son if he thought his roommate was depressed, my then 17-year-old, who was not particularly perceptive, said he didn’t think so. His roommate ended up being asked to leave school during second semester and later said he felt lucky that the administration intervened.

Freshmen and parents should expect an adjustment period which can last from a few weeks to a few months or even longer.

Have realistic expectations — understand that, as with most things in life, every college has its pluses and minuses. If the situation isn’t perfect it’s okay to acknowledge this, even as you encourage your student to work on improving his or her college experience. When all else fails, transferring to a different school, or taking some time off, might be the best solution. Keep the lines of communication open and remember that, in the end, learning how to “figure things out” is as a much a part of a college education as what happens in the classroom.

 

Read more of Marlene’s wonderful stories on her CollegiateParent author page, and visit her blog, “Thoughts from Aisle Four.”

 

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Marlene Kern Fischer

Marlene Kern Fischer is a wife, mother of three sons, food shopper extraordinaire, blogger and essay editor. She attended Brandeis University, from which she graduated cum laude with a degree in English Literature. A founding contributor and advisor at CollegiateParent, her work has also been featured on Huffington Post, Grown and Flown, Parent and Co., Kveller, Her View From Home, the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop, MockMom, Better After 50, Beyond Your Blog and The SITS Girls. You can read more of Marlene's work on her site, "Thoughts From Aisle Four."

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2 comments

  1. Question: I am a First-time college parent with a student who attends a private college. My student was accepted to several many universities, but chose a private school featuring smaller classes. My student completed the first major week of tests and was greatly surprised by one of the classes where the professor tested on things that were not in the syllabus, not discussed in class, not in the book or on the study guide. He is a visiting professor filling in for a professor on sabbatical. The class has all freshman and the teacher struggles to teach the material so the students understand. this is a fundamental class for my student. What is the parent’s role in this situation? So far I’ve just listened and offered advice.

    Charlotte
  2. I greatly appreciate this article as it has provided confirmation that my husband, daughter and I are not alone! Our daughter, and only child, is a freshman in college and, so far, this first semester has been challenging for us all!

    Throughout high school, my daughter was a highly successful, nationally-awarded artist and filmmaker. During this time, we enjoyed many competitions, screenings and art related events as a unit. While we are extremely proud for her to have the opportunity to attend college away and pursue a major that can only grow her talent and development as an artist, we are all feeling cutt-off from each other. We miss each other tremendously and We are questioning whether she is settling in as a result of her texts/Face times/ & phone calls where she is crying on the other end and second guessing her decision to go away to school and room with a total stranger, and having had a number of “figure it out” by herself experiences already.

    It is our greatest hope that in time, we will all experience a more encouraging transition and realize that we must give ourselves permission with whatever time this major adjustment takes. Even though we are constantly having the term, “empty-nesters’ hurled at us, it’s okay that we aren’t yet rejoicing about our daughter having left the nest! Heck, even our dog is still trying to figure it out!

    Regina Walker-Wren

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